How to explain why someone might cross a body safety boundary, without creating fear or diving into sexuality

For parents of kids ages 5–10

Enough of you have asked me this that I figured it was time to just write the post. So here we go. Here’s the recent question I received:

“For older kids, how do you explain why someone might touch them inappropriately, want to take pictures, or show them something? I want to do this without creating anxiety or getting too far into sexuality. My kids are six and eight.”

I love this question because it shows how thoughtful parents are actually thinking about these conversations.

Most body safety resources tell you what to say. But this is asking about something deeper: how do we help kids understand the why, without overwhelming them or opening a door we’re not ready to walk through?

First, a critical gap we need to close

Most body safety conversations focus on adults as the potential people who might cause harm. But the reality is that a significant amount of boundary violations happen between peers, or involve older youth. If we only ever say “some grown-ups,” we leave kids without language for what to do when it’s a classmate, a teenager, or a friend.

So the first shift is this: move away from adult-only framing, and move toward behavior-based framing instead.

Locate the problem in the behavior, not the mystery

Kids ages 6 and 8 don’t need a sexuality lesson to understand this.

What they need is a simple, honest explanation that gives them confidence without fear. Something like:

“Sometimes a person, whether that’s a grown-up, a teenager, or even a kid your age, might try to touch your private parts, ask you to touch theirs, take pictures, or show you something that feels weird or uncomfortable. When that happens, it’s because of a problem in their thinking or their behavior. It is never because of anything you did.”

Notice what this does: it names the full range of people who might cross a boundary. It names the behaviors specifically. And it places the problem exactly where it belongs, with the person doing the behavior, not with your child.

When they ask “but why?” (and they will)

You don’t need to explain attraction or sexuality to answer this. Here’s a response that is honest, age-appropriate, and actually quite useful:

“Sometimes people are curious in a way that crosses a line. Sometimes they learned it from someone who did it to them without knowing it was wrong. Sometimes they want to feel powerful. Whatever the reason, it is never okay. And it is never your fault. And you should always tell me if it happens. You’ll never be in trouble for what someone else does.”

The “they learned it from someone” piece is especially worth holding onto. It helps kids understand that harmful behavior can spread from person to person, without making the other person into a monster.

This matters deeply in peer situations, where your child might still care about the person who crossed a line.

Screens and images count too

This one gets missed a lot. A peer showing your child something on a phone is a boundary crossing, even if it seemed like a joke or “just something they found.”

Kids need to hear:

“A friend, an older kid, or an adult might show you something on a screen that feels uncomfortable or weird or wrong. That’s a boundary crossing too. Nothing they show you is your fault. And you can always tell me.”

Ideally, you’ve given your child an exit strategy if someone tries to show them a video without their consent (if you haven’t, check out my blog on exit strategies here).

The peer piece needs its own sentence

Kids this age worry about getting friends in trouble.

They worry about being called a tattletale.

So say it directly:

“Even if it’s a friend. Even if you like them. Even if they’re your age. You can still say no, and you can still tell me. That’s not tattling. That’s looking out for yourself, and honestly, for them too.”

That last line matters. It reframes telling as an act of care, not betrayal.

End with this, every single time

Before you close the conversation, say something that grounds them:

“Most people will never do any of this. But you deserve to know whats safe and ok and what’s not safe and not ok, so you’re never confused if it ever happens. But even if something is confusing, you know that you can always tell me. I’m here to help you stay safe.”

This sentence does something important: it tells your child that the world is mostly safe, while making sure they know they’re prepared. That combination is what keeps these conversations from becoming a source of anxiety.

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You don’t have to have this all figured out to start the conversation. You just have to be willing to have it more than once. These talks don’t need to be perfect. They just need to happen.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer in an upcoming post, you can always send it my way.

With you in this,
Rosalia